I bought a book on how to talk the dirty speak in Russian last week. It sounds really random, but if you know me, it’s not.

When I brought the book home I immediately turned to chapter 7, which is all about what the kids call “talking smack” . I memorized my top 3 insults that night, and then maybe about 12 more the next day.

And… oh my gosh, OKAY.

People, friends, homedogs—listen.

I got my first negative book review.

Oh, and not just a constructively negative review… more a tear the mallet off the workshop shelf and pound my candy hearts into Pixie powder kind of negative review.

To put it lightly… upon first glance, I was devastated.

I mean, here’s the thing… I literally put so many months (sometimes years) and so much of my literal own self into this one thing, my book, and then… (this is where my first infuriated Russian insult should go).

Now, listen up: negative Nancys everywhere. 

If it’s not the book for you, fine. Everyone has their own taste; I don’t expect 100% of the Earth’s population to laugh and cry next to me through a complete 200 pages. And, didn’t wanna say it (I did, though), but maybe, since all of my books are teen-ish fiction, and you could very likely be 40 years over the threshold of the book’s targeted age range, just maybe… it’s really not the book for you.

But, then again, maybe it really is all on me. Maybe I spent too much work on… um, my work. Maybe I should spend my time on going to law school or something instead. But then, if I didn’t make such terrible books like this certain one… oh dear, what would you have to do with all that extra time on your hands not spent criticizing young writers? Your Nook library of celebrity (ghostwritten) memoirs might be all you have, and you can’t critique those forever; they’re on the New York Times— there’s too many other reviews there, and yours will get drowned out.

Well, if anything, you could probably write something better, right? It’s not like it’s hard, and, again, you could have a lot of time if you stopped with all the heartfelt criticisms. So, come on, give it a try! You know, they always tell us creative folk, before you pour your anger on someone else, try pouring it into something productive instead.

And, really, whatever you decide to do next, just don’t be a сука сынь about it.

And, to the homedogs, please don’t Google translate that… 

-iKari